


Give & Take

by RebKa (RkB)



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Nightwing (Comics)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Dick Grayson Needs a Hug, Dick Grayson Whump, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Past Suicide Attempt Mentioned, Protective Jason Todd, References to Depression, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:29:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28169283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RkB/pseuds/RebKa
Summary: Dick loves his family and is the master of giving thoughtful gifts.  He is also the master of disguising his pain and personal trauma.A story of Dick being his thoughtful yet self-sacrificing self. Will he be able to let someone in?
Relationships: Batfamily Members & Dick Grayson, Dick Grayson/Jason Todd, Tim Drake & Dick Grayson & Jason Todd & Damian Wayne
Comments: 15
Kudos: 280





	Give & Take

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all! Season’s greetings! This is my very first story, so please forgive me as I am not the most talented writer! 
> 
> I have just been so inspired and entertained by all of the incredible fan fiction on this site that I wanted to try my hand at expressing myself through writing as well. 
> 
> Please note that I am an expert of nothing, so any characterization flaws or factual  
> flaws are not to be taken seriously! I mean no offense to anybody. 
> 
> Some of the subject matter and issues mentioned are dark, and very angst-ridden so please exercise caution and tons of self care :) There are also a ton of cuss words as Jason is in the story! 
> 
> I would love to read your comments (just know that mean comments will indeed injure my feelings).. kudos would be cool too! :)
> 
> -much love to you all for a safe and healthy holiday season xo

“PRESENT TIME!!”

Dick blinked a couple of times and snapped his focus back to reality as he heard Tim’s gleeful shout ring out in the manor.

Dick breathed in deeply and placed his hand on the smooth surface of the mantle above the fireplace in the living room in order to ground himself.

_‘How long have I been dissociating tonight?’_

Dick wondered to himself as he let out an exhausted sigh. He vaguely remembered driving to the manor for Christmas Eve dinner with his family, but not much after that. 

Dick noticed that he had been experiencing gaps in time more frequently lately. His depression had once again started to rear it’s ugly head as the holiday season approached. 

Holidays, but especially Christmas, have always been difficult for Dick. Ever since the loss of his parents all those years ago he always tended to feel more vulnerable and emotional around this season. 

As the years continued to pass and started to pile up heavily onto Dick’s shoulders, it became less about just missing his parents per se, but also about everything Dick had failed at in life thus far. 

Dick recalled the first Christmas after Bruce had kicked him out. The depression, too much to bear, nearly cost Dick his own life by his own hands. His only saving grace being that Clark happened to be in the right place at the right time and able to stitch up deep, self-inflicted wounds. 

Thanks to Clark’s quick thinking, Dick was able to have more Christmases with his adoptive family and even eventually reconcile with Bruce. 

Sure, as the years passed and until Dick got better at putting on his, ‘ray of sunshine’ mask, people in his life assumed he was just being, ‘Drama Queen Dickie’. His family would remark that he would become more moody and more wildly emotional during Christmas, but since living on his own in Bludhaven and having nobody around to wipe his tears or pull him into a hug, Dick had learned to quell his emotions and found it simpler to just withdraw rather than express his pain. 

This withdrawal meant that no ex-teammates or friends cared to reach out or attempt contact Dick in any way. He also had no romantic relationships anymore either and no desire to try really... just solitude. 

The small gravy stain on the front of the acrobat’s soft royal blue shirt alerted Dick that he had been thoroughly zoned out during this evening’s actual dinner. He only hoped his autopilot responses were sufficient enough for his family not to notice how fragile he was feeling. 

He licked his finger and began scrubbing at the stain, when a huge hand slapped him on the back hard upon entering the room. 

“Ha! Dickface! Try gettin’ your food into yer mouth next time” Jason roared, the force of his playful snack propelled Dick forward into a stumble.

Dick plastered on his overly rehearsed, thousand watt smile and retorted,

“Jeez Little Wing! You know, if you stopped picking food off of my plate, maybe I’d actually have some to eat.”

Jason playfully sneered at Dick while plopping down heavily onto the plush living room couch. 

Tim bounced into the room with a lightness that Dick genuinely wished he could feel... although he questioned how much of that pep was actually attributable to the copious amounts of coffee his younger brother consumed over the course of the day.

Bruce and Damian entered the room next. Damian had only been with them for about a year, and wasn’t too familiar with the custom of Christmas yet. He threw a look of disdain at the lights and baubles, but Dick was sure he could detect a hint of wonder somewhere deep in the kid’s eyes at the sight of the Christmas tree and decorations around the manor. 

“Hey Dami, do you like the tree buddy?” Dick asked,

“Tt- I am not your buddy, Grayson. I cannot fathom why you plebeians kill and desecrate a perfectly good tree for the sake of this inane day.” Damian scoffed.

“Yeah you say that now, but just wait until you open some gifts!” Tim said with glee, eyeing up the space under the tree. 

Bruce chuckled at that and ruffled the hair on Tim’s head with loving affection.

Dick looked at the action and felt himself feel a pang of emotion that he couldn’t quite wrap his head around. He was happy that Bruce was better at showing love for Tim and was trying hard to express himself with Damian and even Jason. Dick recalled wishing for the same affection during his own childhood only to find himself wondering if Bruce was even capable of love. 

Turns out he was... just not with Dick it seemed.

Dick shook himself out of the negative thought. Trying not to dwell on his feelings lest he burst out crying out of nowhere in front of his baby brothers. 

Ha! Or not so baby brothers anymore perhaps, as he glanced over at Jason and noticed the large frame of his so called brother scratching his ...ahem... balls. 

It was at that perfect moment when Alfred walked in carrying a tray full of mugs containing his delicious hot chocolate. 

“Master Jason! Might I remind you that I have placed your washed laundry in your old room. Perhaps you might wish to change into a clean pair of underpants?”

Everyone burst out laughing at that. Jason laughed too and rolled with the punches shouting out, “I was just adjusting!! Alf, s’not my fault that your food is so delicious that I can’t fit into my pants after every dinner I eat here!”

“Yeah, cuz your stomach is in your dirty balls, right Jason?!!” Tim cackled.

“Shut up, replacement! I’ll come over there and beat the coffee beans out of your skinny ass,”

“Boys! Knock it off!” Bruce ordered, “Civilized talk only,”

Dick just grabbed a mug of hot chocolate and curled up on the couch. As the first Robin held the perfectly warm mug in his hands, he only then realized how cold his fingers were feeling. 

Tim took up a seated position on the floor close to the base of the immaculately decorated tree.

Jason also slouched onto the floor, pretending not to be interested, but so obviously interested in gifts. Dick looked over at Jason with great pride and admiration. He loved how far Jason had come since his return to the family fold and wouldn’t be lying if he didn’t have some new found feelings towards this strapping lad who re-entered their lives. 

At times, Dick thought he could sense something stronger between the two of them that had never been there before Jason’s death, he could swear he caught Jason peeking over at him a few times when he thought Dick wasn’t looking. 

Dick shrugged off the notion that Jason could possibly be attracted to him though, figuring that Jason would never have feelings for his pathetic, overly sensitive, failure of a pseudo-brother. Jason was so strong physically, but now after some therapy sessions with Dinah, and working on himself he was so much stronger mentally as well, 

_‘he doesn’t need me to drag him back down,’_ Dick scolded himself. 

Bruce and Damian sat beside one another on the same couch basically mirroring one another. Damian looking so much like a mini-Bruce aside from their different eye colours. 

Alfred sat in the recliner that Dick and Bruce had bought the older man for his birthday so many years ago (using Dick’s thoughtful idea and Bruce’s money of course).

Dick turned his attention back to the excited Tim. Dick could feel a bit of his own excitement trying to bubble up despite his usual holiday blues. He loved giving gifts. Despite all of the difficult emotions, he always took great pleasure in thinking of his family and trying for months to save up and think of the perfect presents for them all. Everyone in his family always found themselves excited to receive a gift from Dick, knowing it would have great meaning and thought behind it.

Unfortunately, Dick discovered that when you’re so good at giving gifts you tend to be a little disappointed when you find that others don’t have that same skill or knack towards thoughtful gift giving.

Even so, Dick would never skimp on buying or making fantastic gifts for his family even if he never really got the same in return.

He smiled in genuine delight when Tim opened his fancy new pro video game controller and when Alfred opened his handcrafted and specially engraved wooden watch (made from a tree native to Alfred’s hometown in the UK). He also gifted Alfred some specialty tea and a ‘World’s Best Grandpa’ mug because Alfred always did so much for them all and he deserved more than Dick could ever give him. Dick soaked in the hugs from both of them. 

Damian grumpily opened his gift, looking like a miniature Scrooge, but stopped in awe at the ornate selection of vegan art supplies and the beautifully bound sketchbook. 

Damian even uttered a shy but incredibly heartfelt, “Thank you, Grayson”, which caused Dick’s heart to burst with joy. 

Dick got Bruce a set of eye catching matte black cuff links with gold trim and had also spent hours putting together a scrapbook of candid family photos which was no easy feat. Bruce gave Dick a tight hug and put the gifts aside neatly. Dick would have been upset at the lack of emotion around such a sentimental gift, but he knew Bruce well and could tell from the glint in his eye that he really liked the gifts. 

Jason was the trickiest gift to figure out. Dick spent weeks thinking of what to get and wasn’t sure how the assortment of gifts would be received. 

He couldn’t tell at first when Jason went still and quiet upon opening up the box. 

“Dickface...this... how-“ he glanced up  
at Dick and then back down in the box.

Tim scrambled to see and saw that the box had a sweater in it. Tim scrunched up his nose. 

“A sweater? Really?”

Dick just smiled lightly and took a little sip of his hot cocoa as Jason pulled the sweater out of the box and held it up. 

Bruce and Alfred did a double take, clearly recognizing the pattern. 

The sweater was a beige/oatmeal colour with birds dotting the entire garment. Not only were they birds, they were bright red robins. And to top it off, this was no coarse, scratchy, grandma-knit sweater. The material was a beautifully soft, high quality cashmere blend.

After several moments of silence, Jason answered, 

“this isn’t just a sweater, replacement. It was my favourite sweater. I... I had one just like this before I died and... I wore it all the time,” 

“You did wear it a lot, Jason,” Bruce agreed, “you’d even wear it to bed sometimes.”

Jason turned to Dick dumbfounded and continued, “but that sweater fit me snug when I was a kid. And I think we found it in a thrift shop too. How in the hell did you find one in my size?” 

Dick felt himself blush and sheepishly responded, “um, I went through your box of old clothes in the attic and found the name of the company on the label of the sweater. They’re still around so I contacted them and commissioned them to make a new replica of your old sweater.”

“The fuck... Dickie...”, Jason exhaled and shook his head in disbelief. An incredulous little smile pulling up the corners of his mouth, “you’re insane... Thanks Goldie,” 

He then checked out the variety pack of specialty hot sauces that Dick also gifted him and the book store gift card. Dick had figured if Jason didn’t remember the sweater from his youth, he would at least enjoy the other stuff.

As Jason was checking out the remainder of his gifts, Tim carried on handing out gifts to everyone. 

Dick found that he only had one gift to open. Damian hadn’t gotten anyone a gift which was to be expected. Dick knew that Damian didn’t know much about Christmas and had never celebrated it before, plus he was still young.

Alfred didn’t buy gifts but rather baked amazing treats that he would pack up for Dick each year. Dick never expected Alfred to buy him anything since Alfred does so much for them all. Alfred’s life saving medical skills alone had saved all of their asses countless times. Dick was also sure he would never have any clean clothes if it we not for Alfred. 

Bruce - as sentimental as ever- piped up and announced to them all that he just had some money transferred to each of their bank accounts so they could buy themselves whatever they pleased. 

Dick felt hurt by that as he would rather Bruce have put some effort in to a gift, even if it was homemade or cheap. Something to just show that he took some time to think about him. The others however, seemed to be satisfied enough with this. Dick would still leave that bank account untouched as it had been since the day that Bruce had created it for him. 

Dick’s inner voice then decided it was a good time to start chattering away and tugged on Dick’s mind telling him things like, _‘oh you loser, of course Bruce wouldn’t want to get you anything. Who in their right minds would want to take time out of their busy lives to think about you?’_

Dick looked at Jason, Tim and Damian and his brain continued, _’they’re all rightfully sons of Bruce. There’s a reason he never actually adopted you.’_

Dick found his mind flashing back to his first Christmas alone after Bruce had thrown him out years ago, and he felt similar pangs of hopelessness and despair building up in the pit of his stomach threatening to eject Alfred’s delicious meal. 

He blinked several times to push down the notion of tears which hadn’t quite had the chance to build up yet. Dick lightly ran his hand along the wrapped gift on his lap and took a deep breath in, in order to bring his awareness back to the room.

It was then that he noticed that in fact, Damian had given gifts, but just not to Dick. Damian had gifted Tim, Jason, Bruce, and Alfred each hand drawn pictures of themselves. It wasn’t particularly fancy, but Damian had taken the time to sketch each of them without their knowledge while they were hanging around at the manor. 

Tim’s sketch was from when he had fallen asleep at the bat computer mouth hanging open and drooling; Bruce’s was sitting at his desk in his study; Jason’s was reading a book on the couch; and Alfred’s was of him on the rare occasion he would sit and watch tv. 

Dick pretended not to be surprised or saddened by this, he was glad Damian was in the spirit of things and had thought of his family. He was just sad that he wasn’t a part of it.

“Grayson, I created these within the last 2 weeks. During that time you had not been to visit the manor, thus I could not create an image of your likeness.” 

Dick nodded, plastered on a perfect but fake grin and over enthusiastically stated, “don’t worry about it, Dami! Maybe next time, yeah? Good job on them they’re really well done!”

“Tt,” tutted Damian at the compliment. 

Dick opened his lone gift which was a giant tub of generic, unscented shaving cream from Tim. Bless Tim, he was blissfully clueless and probably did think Dick would appreciate this gift, so Dick took it in his stride and pulled Tim into a big hug, 

“Wow, Timmy! This is so handy! I won’t need to buy shaving cream for the rest of my life I think!!”

He looked around the room and noticed that Bruce, Jason, Alfred and even young Damian had identical tubs of shaving cream in their possession. Bruce was trying to stifle a laugh at the look of bewilderment on Damian’s very smooth and hairless face as Damian examined Tim’s gift.

Dick tried to focus on the good intention of Tim’s gift and how he meant well, but again felt that niggling sense of rejection and self loathing. 

Dick assumed that Jason also didn’t buy anyone -aside from Alfred - anything since he wasn’t a very sentimental guy, but noticed Jason passing out gifts as well. 

Jason approached Dick red-faced and started to rub at the back of his own neck. He cleared his throat, “um, Dickie, I, ah... I just triple checked and I think I forgot your gift back at my place. Ah, shit.. this is fucking... I’m so fucking sorry, I can’t believe... “ 

Dick stood up and interjected quickly. He put his hand on Jason’s shoulder and tried to plaster on his signature performer’s smile, but he was sure that it probably came out as a pained looking grimace instead, 

“Jay, hey don’t worry, it’s fine! It happens. I get it,” He squeezed Jason’s shoulder gently and averted his eyes as he could start to feel a familiar burn building up behind his eyes and up in his cheeks as well. 

His could feel his heart shatter into a million pieces as he tried not to cry in front of the man that he had come to develop feelings for. 

He quickly turned and fished his phone out of his pocket pretending that the device was vibrating, “oh, sorry, I have to take this call” 

He put the phone up to his ear as he rushed out of the room, “oh hey, Chief,” Dick said into his phone as he retreated into Bruce’s study and closed the door, but not actually speaking to anybody on the other end.

Once he was safely in the study he crumpled up with his back against the door and covered his face with his hands. Every insecurity he had been feeling over so many years threatened to escape from his sapphire eyes and he kept his hands firmly over them to keep everything inside.

_‘Stupid, worthless, nobody loves you, you’re all alone, pathetic loser. You should just die already, you waste of space....’_

The voices in his mind went on and on until he couldn’t even try to argue against them anymore. After a short while he remembered where he was and checked the time, relieved that he had only been in the study for a couple of minutes. Dick certainly didn’t want his family to think that anything was amiss.

 _‘I can’t do this anymore. I have to get out of here,’_ Dick muttered to himself. 

He blinked as he stepped out of the dark study and walked into the light of the hallway. Dick grabbed his coat on the way and quickly thought of the most plausible excuse to get himself out of there. 

“Hey everyone, sorry, but I have to run. My boss just called and there’s been an incident in Bludhaven. They’re a little short on officers given that it’s Christmas, so I agreed to go in and help.”

Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked up at Dick.

“Oh no, chum. Are you sure you have to go?” Bruce asked with a hint of disbelief behind the tone. 

“Yeah, B. The chief wouldn’t have called if he didn’t need me. I’ll catch up with you all another time, k?”

“Dick-”, Jason called out, but Dick had already rushed out of the room and quickly hustled out of the front door. 

Alfred ran up to Dick’s car in his slippers and with no coat on, and made him roll down the window to accept his bag of baked goods and leftovers from dinner. 

Dick knew that Alfred could see through him and directly into his broken heart and so he rushed to leave, “gotta go, Alf. Can’t wait to eat all this!”

“My dear boy, everyone is saddened to see you go. Please do visit again soon.”

Dick nodded and squeezed Alfred’s cold hand, “Alfie, please go inside before you catch a cold.”

“Of course. Merry Christmas, Master Dick.”

“Merry Christmas, Alfred.”

Dick sped away from the manor as soon as he left the long driveway. 

————///————

Dick didn’t even remember the drive home and suddenly he found himself flopped down on his couch, he had also managed to change into a threadbare pair of sweatpants and didn’t bother with finding a shirt.

 _‘This is where I belong,’_ he remarked also not bothering to turn on the heat or lights. His mind agreed with him on that point.

He finally allowed the tears he had been holding back all night to burst from his eyes like a backed up dam and cradled himself with his own arms. He rocked himself back and forth on the couch. 

This action reminded him of the comfort his mother and father used to provide to him as a child, and only caused his sobs to grow more intense. 

Dick continued to cry alone in his cold and dark apartment. He cried until his head felt like it would split into two and he couldn’t breathe out of his now stuffed up nose. 

He felt his stomach churn and stumbled to his bathroom not quite making it to the toilet. He slipped into the puddle of his own vomit and curled up into a shivering ball. He could feel a fever setting in, but couldn’t be bothered to care about his current state. Dick closed his eyes and welcomed the sweet embrace of darkness.

————///————

As Jason slipped into the window of Dick’s frigid and dark apartment he commented, ‘hm, guess Dickie actually had to go to work’

For some reason, Jason doubted Dick’s excuse to leave the manor earlier that evening. One reason being that sad puppy dog look in Dick’s eyes before he rushed out of the manor, and the other reasons being the subtle signs Jason could observe such as dark bags under Dick’s eyes and his slightly disheveled hair. Jason was no major self care king, but he could always tell when Dick, the typically golden ray of sunshine, was neglecting his. 

Jason also admitted to himself that he felt like the biggest jerk in the world and should kick his own ass for forgetting to bring Dick’s gift. Of all people whose gift he could have forgotten, it would have to be Dick. The most thoughtful, sensitive and caring one in the family.

Jason tried to sleep at the manor (as he was staying over to enjoy Alfred’s legendary Christmas morning breakfast), but he couldn’t sleep thinking about Dick. 

Jason didn’t want to feed into his emotions of caring for Dick in a more than brotherly way, but it was hard to suppress his feelings when he opened up the box with the robin sweater. Dick was the best of them all, and Jason felt he owed it to Dick to try and reciprocate some of the care that Dick always extended to him. 

After scanning the living room and taking a quick peek to see if Dick was sleeping in bed, Jason decided he should just place Dick’s present on top of the cluttered kitchen table and sneak back out. 

It was at that point when nature called, “ugh, gotta take a leak”, he groaned in what he thought was an empty apartment. 

Jason pushed open the bathroom door and flipped on the light and gasped in shock and horror.

The smell of vomit hit Jason’s nasal passages first, almost causing Jason to add to the pile of puke on the floor but he noticed a pale, and unconscious Dick lying on the floor. 

**“DICK!”**

Jason scrambled to check his brother for signs of life and was relieved that he was breathing with a strong pulse. He noticed that Dick was running a slight fever and had a small cut on his head, likely from some kind of fall in the bathroom.

“Fuck, Dick! Wake up!” Jason tapped Dick lightly on his cheeks.

“Mmmhh”, came a laboured groan from the first Boy Wonder. 

“Yeah, good, Goldie... come on. Wake up now.”

Dick’s blue eyes opened ever so slightly and he mumbled, 

“mama?” 

Dick groaned again and let out a sob. He was clearly not all there. Jason started to panic a little when tears began to cascade down Dick’s cheeks.

“Dickie, fuck...no, I’m not your mom... it- it’s me. It’s me, Jason...Jay. Hood.. Little Wing...” and a couple of Jason’s own tears fell from his eyes. Jason let the expletives fly from his mouth wondering how he could even begin to handle this situation. 

Jason felt a hand brush his face weakly and he looked down to see Dick peering up at him sadly, “Jay? Don’ cry L’il Wing...” 

Jason metaphorically slapped himself into action and picked Dick up. 

“C’mon Dickiebird. We’re going to get you cleaned up, ya?” 

Jason hauled a much too light Dick up into the bathtub and helped him strip out of his sweatpants. The nudity was no issue for either of them as they had seen each other unclothed after many a mission, either washing up in the showers or being stripped down in the med bay if the mission didn’t go well.

Thankfully, Dick was starting to become more coherent as well. 

“Kk Dickie, I’m gonna run the bath for you, and then go grab some stuff to clean up your floor. Will ya be ok in here for a bit?”

Dick nodded silently. The embarrassment was starting to creep in for Dick as his awareness grew. He never wanted Jason to see him in such a compromised state. 

Large, calloused fingers snapped in front of Dick’s face, “yo, Dickface?! Ya with me? Yer not gonna conk yourself on the head again are ya?”

“S’ok Jay. Mm fine”. Dick slurred slightly. 

“Yeah ok... I think that means you probably have a concussion” 

Jason rushed out and came back in what felt like a split second with a mop and bucket. He mopped up the vomit without retching which he was extremely grateful for. 

He helped Dick rinse off in the calming warm water, and didn’t say anything when he noticed the obvious marks of self-harm on his older brother’s arms and legs. Jason could feel his heart drop into the depths of his stomach when he noted that many of the marks weren’t particularly old either. 

Jason blinked back tears and carried on helping Dick dry off, patted his head wound dry and popped a bandage on it (luckily the cut wasn’t deep), and passed him some warm, dry clothes to change into.

He got Dick settled onto the couch and covered him in a pile of blankets. 

Jason remembered to turn on the heat as well and finally got some lights on throughout the apartment.

Jason tried to think of what a responsible adult like Alfred might do in this situation, ‘fuck, how does Alf deal with us?’

The answer presented itself simply. Pain meds and some warm tea.

Jason joined Dick on the couch and handed him a couple of painkillers and a glass of water for his head. He put the cup of tea down beside Dick who picked it up and nursed it in his hands. He stared into nothingness for a while before he whispered, 

“M sorry, Jay”, 

“For what Dickie?”

“I.. I am ... wr-wrong.. something’s wrong... me... I can’t”, Dick choked out unintelligibly.

“Whoa, Goldie. Chill. Take some breaths” Jason uncharacteristically put his hand on Dick’s back and started to rub in small, calming circles. Again, he tried to imagine what a sane and normal person would do to comfort someone. 

“Dickie. I don’t know what’s wrong, but I know you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you sooner.”

Dick turned towards and collapsed into Jason’s muscular chest. Letting his tears flow once again. 

“Hey, hey, it’s ok now,” Jason soothed, “let it out. I’ve got you.”

After a bit, Jason pulled Dick back and looked into his wet eyes, “Dickie, you’re getting my new sweater all wet,”

Dick looked down and when he saw Jason wearing the sweater it made him smile for real. 

“S-sorry, Jay”

“That’s alright, Goldie. Now that I know you can get me another one in the event that this one is ruined,” Jason winked mischievously. 

He pulled Dick into a tight hug and asked lightly, “so, I know all this isn’t just about me forgetting your gift, right? What’s going on with you?”

Dick ducked his head down, “there’s a lot... I don’t know what to say or do anymore,”

“Well,” Jason hesitated, slightly anxious about how to bring up the subject, but he noted that Dick seemed to be more lucid now as the painkillers were kicking in. Jason figured if he didn’t ask now he might now have the courage to later on, 

“...when did you start cutting?”

Dick winced a little at the directness of the question, but appreciated that patented Jason bluntness at the same time.

“I’ve... I’ve been doing it on and off for a while. Longer than I can really remember. Usually around the holidays when bad memories come up and I just feel... alone...hopeless....,”

“What kind of bad memories?” Jason asked.

“My parents dying, missing them around the holidays especially. The first Christmas that passed without them, when I had been taken to the juvenile centre before Bruce took me in, and the beatings I got from the older kids there,”

Dick paused and sipped his tea, “my first holiday season alone after B kicked me out. I messed up bad that time, cut too deep, and if Superman wasn’t nearby and decided to pop in he said I would have bled out.”

Jason let out a shaky breath and continued to listen,

“I cut a lot after you died, Jay” Dick turned to look at Jason and more tears rolled down Dick’s cheeks. Dick sniffed, “I couldn’t... I j-just missed you so much.”

“I-I don’t know w-why I can’t keep anything g...good in my life Little Wing”, Dick began to spiral and his breath grew more ragged, “I-I des.. deserve to b-be alone. N-n-no-nobody wants me. N-n—no love. I de-destroy.. I’m a destroyer... you sh-should go ... go away....”

“Dickie....” 

“J-j-jay...no no no... go n-now! I- I’m poison!” Dick panicked and tried to push off the couch and away from Jason. Head swimming, Dick found himself falling face first towards the hard, laminate flooring, but found himself stop short before he hit the ground.

Jason had managed to jump up and encircled Dick’s smaller frame with his large and very strong arms. Jason pulled Dick’s back into him and kept a firm grip on him. The second Robin ducked down towards Dick’s ear and said,

“Dickie. Please stop and just breathe. I’m going to need you to breathe in for 3 and out for 3, ok?”

Jason stood and mimicked the breathing pattern until he felt Dick lock in to the same calmer breathing pattern with him. 

He guided Dick back down to the couch and kept a safe and protective hold on him. 

“I feel like I don’t want to live anymore, Jay”

Jason clutched onto Dick tight at those devastating words. He wrapped one arm around Dick’s back and cradled the back of Dick’s head gently. 

“Dick. I know you feel that way now, but I’m not going to let that happen, ever.” 

Jason stroked Dick’s hair and added, “I’m sorry for never realizing how much you needed help. I promise you will never be alone again as long as I am around, k? I ain’t no doctor or nothing, but you might have some kind of depression or something.”

Jason pulled back slightly to look down at Dick,

“whatever it is, we’ll get you help. We should tell B or Alfred, and they’ll get help.”

Dick froze at the mention of involving others, 

“Can’t Jay. B... he won’t ... I don’t want him to know. Please, I can’t. He’ll be disappointed ...”

“Dickie please. When you left the manor earlier, Bruce looked worried, Alfie looked worried... fuck, even replacement and demon’s stupid faces looked worried. Look, we are not good at feelings like you usually are Dickie. Shit, none of us would probably even talk to one another if it wasn’t for you, Dickiebird.”

Dick stayed silent so Jason added,

“If there’s anything we all want, it’s for you to be safe and healthy. You don’t need to prove anything to Bruce, or me or nobody, yeah?” 

“Oh and Dickie, I can come with you anytime you want, appointments or whatever, and help you tell Bruce too. I won’t take his shit or let you take his shit. I’ll put a boot up Bruce’s ass if he so much as looks at you wrong, ok Dickie? Whatever you need. I’m here.”

Dick cried once again and Jason inwardly marvelled at how many tears one person could shed in single sitting. How much liquid did Dick even have in his body?! 

“Ok Dickie. Enough of this for now. You should get some proper rest now. Let’s get yer bendy ass to bed,”

“Jay....please stay? I didn’t mean it when I said for you to leave, I’m so sorry” Dick grabbed onto Jason’s arm begging him.

“Pfftt! Obviously. You probably have a concussion that I should keep an eye on, so you couldn’t even get rid of me if you wanted to.”

“K,” Dick started walking slowly to the bedroom, “I get the left side of the bed.”

Jason got Dick settled into bed and grabbed a new toothbrush from Dick’s stash of spare toiletries. 

On his way to Dick’s bedroom, he grabbed the gift for Dick that he had left on the kitchen table. He hadn’t the chance to give it to Dick yet with all of the craziness. 

Jason dropped heavily on to the bed and curled up behind Dick, he rested his chin on top of Dick’s shoulder and asked, “hey Dickie? I brought you your gift. Wanna open it now?”

Dick stiffened and rolled a little on to his back and smiled, “yeah, please.”

Both former Robins sat up in the bed.

Dick examined the package and noticed the excessive use of tape used to hold together the glittery wrapping paper.

Dick opened the gift and it revealed a really quality pair of soft, flannel Pajamas, plus overly thick and fluffy socks,

“I know you hate being cold, and your current sleepwear is in pretty dismal shape,” Jason pointed at Dick’s practically disintegrating sweatpants. Dick shimmied into his new pj’s and amazingly they were a perfect fit. 

Dick continued with the gift box and noticed a jar of homemade hot chocolate mix to which Jason had attached a label reading, ‘J-dawg’s Cocoa Mix (better than Alfred’s)’

Dick laughed out loud, “J-dawg??! That name is gonna stick, Little Wing!”

“Oh shush... you won’t be laughing when my hot chocolate brand is famous worldwide!!”

Dick snorted and went back to check out the last item from the present.

He laid down on his back, getting more comfortable as he held up the little handmade, stapled together mini book. 

Jason laid down on his side next to Dick and watched him examine and quickly riffle through the pages. 

“Oh my gosh, Jay! Is this? No way!!!”

“Yup... better believe it, Dickie! Use them wisely,”

Jason was referring to the handmade coupon book he had made for Dick. 

Dick delighted and was genuinely happy as he read through the coupons aloud, 

“‘One full three course meal cooked entirely by Jason. Jason will even eat the meal with you and provide enthralling dinner conversation’, Oooo what’s the next one??, ‘Jason will clean up your filthy apartment’, well Jay, you cleaned up my disgusting vomit...so, let’s call this coupon redeemed already.”

“Nah nah, Dickie... today was a freebie. Save it.”

Dick continued on, reading out the coupons for: ‘Jason will have a movie marathon night with Dick’, ‘Jason will be Dick’s personal chauffeur for the day’, ‘Jason will do Dick’s paperwork’...

Dick froze when he finally got to the very last coupon in the book. He slowly rolled to his side and faced Jason. He focussed his brilliant blue eyes onto Jason’s green ones and just stared in surprise. 

“Dick... listen... yeah, if that one creeps you out, just ignore it, ok? I just...I don’t know what I was thinkin’...”

“Can I use this one now ...please?” Dick looked at Jason intently and swallowed,

“....” 

Jason tried to speak but found himself speechless, so instead he just nodded. 

Jason reached up and cupped Dick’s cheek with his large hand. He gazed into Dick’s shining eyes and then moved in. Dick closed his eyes and leaned into Jason in anticipation and Jason captured Dick’s lips into a tender yet passionate kiss. Jason tried to use that kiss to convey his feelings of how much he truly loved and admired Dick.

Dick clearly felt the same and returned Jason’s soft intensity. When they broke away, they were both pleasantly breathless and flushed. 

Dick took his time to regain his senses and then he slowly started to rip the, ‘Jason will kiss Dick on the lips’, coupon out of the book.

“No. Dick,” Jason grabbed Dick’s hand to stop him from tearing out the page, “today’s a freebie, remember?”

Dick didn’t argue with that, and he put the book aside and cuddled in to Jason. Dick let Jason be the big spoon behind him,

“Jay, thank you. For everything,” Dick stated simply as he grabbed the hand Jason had wrapped around him and kissed it. 

Jason responded by pushing up closer to Dick from behind and nuzzled his face into Dick’s hair, 

“anytime, anywhere Dickie.”

They both fell asleep soon after. Enjoying one another’s warmth. Dick managed to stay calm at the sensation of Jason’s chest breathing in and out against his back. All doubtful voices in Dick’s mind were actually silent for a change during those flawless moments. 

————///————

Dick woke the next morning with the slight hint of a headache. 

He rolled over to look and sure enough Jason had left during the night. 

_‘Obviously, he wasn’t going to stay.. cuz you’re a loserrr...’_ Dick’s inner voice taunted him as Dick curled up into a tight ball,

“Dickie?!! You up yet? Breakfast is ready!!!”

Dick shot up in bed. Could that be? No it couldn’t... he’s still here??! Why??

Dick headed to his kitchen and sat at his newly cleaned kitchen table, “wow, this table is pink? I had completely forgotten!”

Jason laughed then popped down a couple of painkillers in front of Dick to help with his headache. 

“Food’s comin’ up in a sec, Dickie”

“Wow, Jason. You shouldn’t have,”

“Goldie, you’re worth it. Imma keep saying it until you believe me. After we eat why don’t we go find B and have a chat about everything?”

Jason froze in his tracks and then walked over to the window in the living room where he had entered the night before,

“Shit!! Before I forget... here.... Merry Christmas...”

Dick stared at the large, heavy item, that Jason thunked down on the table in front of Dick, and Dick took a moment to register what it was,

“....Shaving cream”

“Tim asked me to bring your tub over to you since you forgot to take it with you...”

Jason and Dick looked at each other for a silent beat, and then they both burst out laughing. 

They laughed until they were both doubled over crying from how hard they were laughing. 

Dick’s mind finally registered in those light moments that perhaps things weren’t so hopeless after all and that he didn’t need to walk the streets of his depression alone. 

He also looked up at Jason’s perfect body and wondered if he could try to redeem that ‘kiss’ coupon again...


End file.
